To you on Mother’s Day…
/To the new moms struggling with sleepless nights and finding their new identity.
To the seasoned moms working hard to keep it all together.
To the mothers who have lost children, those met and unmet.
To those who have lost their mother and feel lost in a world without them. To those who have no relationship with their mother, chosen by them or chosen for them. To those who have chosen not to be mothers and fight the societal norm every day. To those who long to be mothers and count the months and days to “try again.”
To those who suffer with infertility & secondary infertility and face the guilt & shame, and feelings of failing as a woman.
I see you; I hear you, and I want you to know… You are not alone.
Despite the positive narrative of Mother’s Day, it is important to remember that this holiday has so many emotional layers beneath the surface. These emotions are sensitive and run deep as the feelings of sadness, anger, profound grief, and jealousy are so easily triggered.
For many, Mother’s Day is a reminder of what never was or what no longer is. Some are struggling with their new identity as a mother, as motherhood changes you in profound ways. Some have endured the immense pain of losing a child and many have experienced the deep loss of their own mother. Some disregard Mother’s Day with the experience of dysfunction and traumatic abuse from their mothers failing them at a young age. And many have experienced the journey to motherhood with struggles of infertility and secondary infertility along the way.
So, on this Mother’s Day here is an invitation to you…
Take care of yourself
Think of whatever you need to get through this day – And give yourself permission to do just that. Very often, women put others before themselves. Today, hold no obligation to anyone, but you.
Practice self-love and self-compassion
Check the inner critic at the door. Any negative thoughts that come up, any thoughts about your shortcomings, feelings of inadequacy… acknowledge them and move on.
Respect and validate your feelings
The feelings you experience are difficult and real. Create a sacred space for these feelings to exist and care for these feelings gently.
Take a break from social media
Disconnect for the day (or two) and protect your heart from triggering pictures and posts.
Ask for what you need
Do not be afraid to ask for what you need. Need to sleep? Need some space? Need a good distraction? Need a hug? Being mindful of your needs, and your needs only, and be direct with yourself and those around you .
And for those in supportive roles, wondering how to navigate this day…
Listen
Show up in the quiet, be present, and be attentive. Listen with compassion and an open heart and let them know their feelings are heard.
Do not assume…
It is okay to want to be mindful and possibly feel the need to avoid the topic of Mother’s Day all together but provide those the opportunity and permission to decline invitations and conversations. Give room for those to make their own decision on their tolerance of the holiday.
Ask them what they need
Ask them what they need from you… Do they need space? Do they need frequent check ins? What can you do to help?
Leave the advice at the door
Being present and engaging in active listen, refrain from using statements like, “At least…” and “Be grateful…” Offer compassion, tell them you love them, and validate their feelings.
In conclusion, I leave you with this:
For anyone out there who needs to hear this… You are not alone. Your feelings are normal. And every day is a journey, despite the road you are on. Let us be mindful on this day and always.
“The only thing worthy of you is compassion – invincible, limitless, unconditional.” -Thich Nhat Hanh
*This post is in no way to take away from the joy and all the good that comes from Motherhood – but to offer some mindfulness to Mother’s Day as a whole.
Written by: Nina Davey, LCPC, ATR-BC
