What is Reparenting?

By James Spruill, LCSW-C

“Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world.”

I’ve probably said this a thousand times as I’ve sat across from parents wondering if they’re doing the right thing, or across from people reflecting on the job that their parents did with them.

“Should I be gentle parenting? Why wasn’t I gentle parented? Are they going to be narcissistic if I give them too many compliments? I’m just going to do and give them everything that I didn’t get. That should work.”

I frequently think about a quote from one of my favorite therapists that speaks directly to how difficult parenting can be. "If my child needs only 5 years of therapy after my parenting, I'll consider it a success." Hyperbolic? Maybe. But I think it speaks to the idea that no one gets out of childhood unscathed. We all leave childhood with varying levels of trauma and unmet needs, leaving us responsible for healing and getting those needs met. This is why I love the concept of reparenting.

Reparenting is addressing developmentally arrested needs by giving ourselves the care, structure, and emotional nurturing that we missed out on during our primitive years. Reparenting can help with issues related to boundaries, harsh self-judgment, chronic shame, attachment insecurity, and emotional regulation.

One example that I personally implement is imagining that my *whatever age feels right* year old self is holding their hands out. In their hands they’re holding the big emotion that I am currently feeling. I speak out loud, coaching my younger self through what that emotion is, how to feel it, and what to do with it. This emulates the kind of emotional attunement that we all deserved to experience.

There are 6 core needs that promote healthy development in childhood to focus on when it comes to reparenting. These core needs are the need for secure attachment, the need for guidance, the need for acceptance and praise, the need for autonomy, the need for spontaneity and play, and the need for realistic limits and self-control. Be on the lookout for future reparenting related blog posts pertaining to these core needs.